@!*&%$#@!

I'm angry ... I'm tired ... I'm impatient ... I'm 'grumpy' ... I hate this computer (sometimes) I feel like screaming or hitting someone (there's no one here but me!)
... I don't want advice, I don't want to be comforted or have platitudes laid on me.
I could use a lot of other colorful adjectives to describe my current mood ... but deep down I know it wouldn't help or change what's happening.

I cannot even think of something cute and clever to explain this sorry state I'm in right now ... I KNOW what I should be doing, I KNOW I should be in bed ... sleeping!!! But there are so many scenarios running around in my empty head. This probably isn't the appropriate forum to be spouting off ... it's not politics, although I could rant and rave in that department. No one person has done anything to me ... I'm tired of rules ... I thought when you reached a 'certain age' we would get a 'card' that would entitle the bearer to be a little eccentric at times, to be sharp of tongue ... to get a little slack for all the years we were in the 'trenches'. I would just like a little tolerance while I gritch here for a while.

My photo on the last posting (the duck) has some obscure writing 'defacing' my ramblings ... I don't know how it got there, the posting certainly wasn't any great tome, but dadgumit I don't like any one messing with my Duck!! Then a filling fell out tonight ... while I was eating pizza for crying out loud, not crunching ice or a jaw-breaker, oh no, just a tiny filling that was repaired TODAY!!!

I was told a week ago that I needed to have my left shoulder repaired (that's the GOOD shoulder) not the right one that had THREE rotator cuff surgeries within a year's time in 2008. The left shoulder has a tear ... perhaps from the original injury that torn the right shoulder, perhaps favoring the right one during three surgeries put extra stress, perhaps lifting a beautiful chunk of a grandson so much recently ... or it's just plain ole 'wear and tear' ... doesn't really matter now ... the pain has gotten so bad that I can't think of much else, especially at night. The doctor ordered some stronger pain medication ... I hadn't been able to sleep for three nights in a row, last night I took the new medication and slept through the night! I was almost giddy with relief, so I took the same medication tonight ... some four hours ago and I feel like a gerbil is racing around in my head on one of those wheels.

I know I could do something more constructive that blogging ... there's ironing to do, closets to be cleaned out ... books to read ... but I just want to sleep. I don't know how I will make it until the 11th of August when I'm scheduled for rotator cuff surgery. I know what to expect now ... and I'm not very excited to have yet another surgery ... this will be my fifth in two years ... I'm the 'old' version of the Bionic Woman (the before picture!) ... 5 screws and a bar in my lumbar spine, 4 screws in my right shoulder.

I tried on a dress this evening (zipper in the back) I will need to get a neighbor to zip it for me when I attend a dear friend's visitation and funeral tomorrow and Saturday. I nearly stood on my head trying to zip it up in back, I can't use either arm to put behind my back. The Duck is in Colorado ... where I had planned to be with him, but I couldn't travel (the pain in the shoulder) He's winterizing the cabin and staining some logs ... there was no guarantee we could go back out in September like we had planned.

I haven't been able to exercise ... even walking bothers the shoulder ... and it's so damn hot here ... I know, excuses, excuses ...I don't have the energy either.



















I guess I 'll take my own advice ... and put on my big girl panties and 'deal with it'. It's late ... I'm going to bed.