Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Calmness in Our Lives ....

Disclaimer: The following account is painfully true ... proper names have not been used to protect ... uh, myself!!! And most importantly ... it must be said that I love 'Pops' ... I really do ... in spite of his numerous quirks, adolescent antics, dorky walk and perennial grumpy demeanor !!!

My 86 year old step-father, Pops, and his 78 year old 'lady' friend came to visit recently. The timing was not the best ... but hey, when you are 86 years old, you don't put things off. I had just spent three days with two 'Industrial Strength Energy Zappers' (aka grandchildren!) The Duck and I are still going through some very stressful and frustrating real estate issues. It was necessary to back out on the contract of the townhouse we so wanted due to several structural problems. I'm still doing physical therapy on my shoulder as a result of surgery four months ago. Soooo .... all this was the setting for the 'VISIT' ... from Hell????

Pops and Miss W arrived around 4:00 PM last Wednesday ... they had had lunch with her sister and brother-in-law earlier in the day. We visited for a couple of hours, moved all their things into the guest bedroom and had a delicious homemade dinner complete with Key Lime Pie. We spent an hour or so playing 'Mexican Train' (dominoes ... for those who are unaware of this fun game) after dinner and headed off to bed rather early for us ... but much needed!

At 11:00 PM I was awakened by Pops shouting at our bedroom door ... "come help me, quick"
... THAT did not sound good!!! And it wasn't ... Miss W was lying on the bathroom floor unresponsive! For reasons that will become obvious, I have chosen not to describe the following events in 'graphic detail' ... The stench was unbelievable ... you know what they say happens in emergencies (no, not THAT!) ... but, how adrenaline kicks in ... I lifted Miss W up, helping her back on the toilet. She was so weak she had to be held and could not be left alone. I managed to get her in the bathtub ... TWICE! After what seemed to be hours, actually it was only one hour, I was able to get her cleaned up, dressed and back into bed. I, then, started the first of probably ten loads of laundry ... towels, pajamas, sheets, towels and more towels. Oh, and mopped the floor and disinfected the tub, toilet and floor. Okay, I know you've got the picture, no need to 'run on.'

No sooner was Miss W back in bed and things quiet than she started vomiting. More towels, more changing clothes, etc. Running back and forth. Around 3:00 AM Pops asked for help again ... for himself this time! Yup, same symptoms down to the very ... well, anyway, same thing ... both ends ... both of them. It was 9:00 AM the 'next' morning before their symptoms ran their course.


There is so much more I could share ... like the running dialog whether this was a virus or food poisoning ... the sister of Miss W KNEW it wasn't food poisoning from their lunch and I felt just as strongly about our dinner. It should be pointed out that neither Miss W's family nor the Duck or myself have shown any signs of having food poisoning or catching a 'bug' ... THANK GOD !!!!

The two 'patients' slept ALL Thursday, I had each in separate bedrooms (more sheets, of course!) I would wake them up every few hours and force them to drank fluids with electrolytes since the up-chucking had stopped. But Sister P worried that they should be in the hospital with IV fluids. The Duck suggested Sister P come over and check on her sister herself ... which she did at four that afternoon. Miss W heard her sister's voice and staggered out of her bedroom ... weak, but lucid. Miss W ended up going home with her sister for the evening. Pops ate some chicken soup, crackers and more Gator-Ade before going back to bed.


Several times over the next twelve hours I checked on Pops ... he rarely moved during the night, but the walls certainly did as he snored with gusto! Around 9 AM, Friday morning, he emerged from bedroom. The man is incredible, we're talking about an 86 year old dude here ... he actually asked for and ate scrambled eggs with cheese and toast and drank coffee heavily laced with cream! He called Miss W ... who was much feeling better. I guess she was indeed ... she went shopping for several hours with her sister while Pops was sitting here downing Gator-Ade and watching James Bond movies.


Late Friday afternoon, Pops joined Miss W over at her sister's place ... but have no fear there were reminders of their visit!!! Wish I had stock in Lysol products ... I've cleaned everything ... several times! When I talked to Pops last night he was up to his old ... very old ... tricks, jokes and curmudgeon self. I, on the other hand, slept for the first time in 48 hours and am leaving the following 'pearls of wisdom' to my readers so that you may, too, attain calmness in your lives.











I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, a box of chocolates, and a half bottle of scotch.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.

Monday, September 27, 2010

TEXAS TRIVIA

This is a must read for all Texans, used-to-be Texans, adopted Texans or wanna-be Texans ... yup, we're proud of this state!!!!

Pep , Texas 79353; Smiley , Texas 78159; Paradise , Texas 76073; Rainbow , Texas 76077
Sweet Home , Texas 77987; Comfort , Texas 78013; Friendship, Texas 76530

Love the Sun?
Sun City , Texas 78628; Sunrise , Texas 76661; Sunset, Texas 76270; Sundown, Texas 79372; Sunray , Texas 79086;
Sunny Side , Texas 77423

Want something to eat?


Bacon , Texas 76301; Noodle , Texas 79536; Oatmeal , Texas 78605; Turkey , Texas 79261;Trout , Texas 75789; Sugar Land , Texas 77479; Salty, Texas 76567; Rice , Texas 75155
Pearland , Texas 7758; Orange , Texas 77630

And top it off with:
Sweetwater , Texas 79556
Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all!
Detroit , Texas 75436 ;Cleveland , Texas 75436; Colorado City , Texas 79512;
Denver City , Texas 79323; Klondike , Texas 75448; Nevada , Texas 75173; Memphis , Texas 79245; Miami , Texas 79059; Boston , Texas 75570; Santa Fe , Texas 77517; Tennessee Colony , Texas 75861; Reno , Texas 75462; Pasadena , Texas 77506
Columbus , Texas 78934

Feel like traveling outside the country?

Athens , Texas 75751
Canadian, Texas 79014
China , Texas 77613
Egypt , Texas 77436
Ireland , Texas 76538
Italy , Texas 76538
Turkey , Texas 79261
London , Texas 76854
New London , Texas 75682
Paris , Texas 75460
Palestine , Texas 75801
No need to travel to Washington D.C.
Whitehouse , Texas 75791

We even have a city named after our planet!
Earth , Texas 79031

We have a city named after our state
Texas City , Texas 77590

Exhausted?
Energy , Texas 76452
Cold?
Blanket , Texas 76432
Winters, Texas

Like to read about History?
Santa Anna , Texas
Goliad , Texas
Alamo , Texas
Gun Barrel City , Texas
Robert Lee , Texas

Need Office Supplies?
Staples, Texas 78670

Want to go into outer space?
Venus , Texas 76084
Mars , Texas 79062

You guessed it. It's on the state line.
Texline , Texas 79087

For the kids...
Kermit , Texas 79745
Elmo , Texas 75118
Nemo , Texas 76070
Tarzan , Texas 79783
Winnie , Texas 77665
Sylvester , Texas 79560

Other city names in Texas , to make you smile......
Frognot , Texas 75424
Bigfoot , Texas 78005
Hogeye , Texas 75423
Cactus , Texas 79013
Notrees , Texas 79759
Best, Texas 76932
Veribest , Texas 76886
Kickapoo , Texas 75763
Dime Box , Texas 77853
Old Dime Box , Texas 77853
Telephone , Texas 75488
Telegraph , Texas 76883
Whiteface , Texas 79379
Twitty, Texas 79079

And our favorites...
Cut n Shoot, Texas
Gun Barrell City , Texas
Hoop And Holler, Texas
Ding Dong, Texas and, of course,
Muleshoe , Texas

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas ...
If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work
there, you may live in Texas ;

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas ;

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a

wrong number, you may live in Texas ;

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may

live in Texas ;

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas ;

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live

in Texas ;

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both

unlocked, you may live in Texas ;

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them,

you may live in Texas

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph --you're going 80 and

everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas ;

If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly,' you may live in Texas ;

If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with all your Texas

friends, you definitely live in Texas ..


Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas .

1. Beaumont to El Paso : 742 miles
2.. Beaumont to Chicago : 770 miles
3... El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas
4. World's first rodeo was in Pecos , July 4, 1883.
5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built
over water. Destroyed by Hurricane Ike -2008!
6. The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first
full-time coach at Rice University in Houston .
7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North
America
8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America 's only
remaining flock of whooping cranes.
9. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
10. The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900, caused by a
hurricane, in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island .
11. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20,1969, was " Houston ," but
the space center was actually in Clear Lake City at the time.
12. King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island ..
13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43' in 24
hours in and around Alvin in July of 1979...
14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, (known as the
Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union ) instead
of by annexation. This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the same height as
the U.S. Flag, and may divide into 5 states.
15. A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.
16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.
17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr
Pepper..
18. Texas has had six capital cities:
Washington -on- the Brazos, Harrisburg , Galveston ,Velasco, West Columbia
and Austin ...
19. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller
than the Capitol Building in Washington DC (by 7 feet).
20. The San Jacinto Monument is the tallest free standing monument in the
world and it is taller than the Washington monument.
21. The name ' Texas ' comes from the Hasini Indian word 'tejas' meaning
friends. Tejas IS NOT Spanish for Texas ..
22. The State Mascot is the Armadillo (an interesting bit of trivia about
the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which
splits into four, and they either have four males or four females.).
23. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston .

Y'all git all that?

Saturday, August 21, 2010

SEX ... LOVE ... WOMEN and Men

Isn't it strange how that one little word SEX can get your attention?

I'm working on a 'tome' ... just some thoughts and observations I've been mulling over, so while I labor with my creativity (or the lack of) I offer this bit of quotes, humor and diversion . Without a doubt, my favorite one is from Barbara Bush ... although Robin Williams is definitely very good, too.




















Monday, September 14, 2009

Growing Older ... Not for Sissies


You may have seen some of these before, I'm on 'playcation,' so I'm posting some fun stuff ... remember: 100 laughs a day is equal to 10 minutes of exercise!

How can it can get any easier than that?

























































The Duck and I plan for the check to the mortuary to "bounce"!!! And we now have our plots paid for, sooo
...

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.
I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It's more often a succession of jerks.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

Monday, August 31, 2009

"Are You Lonesome Tonight" by Elvis Presley


--- Elvis 1968

The Senior Version of Elvis'
"Are You Lonesome Tonight"


Elvis 1976
Are you lonesome tonight?
Does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your Mylanta and Tums?

Does your memory stray,
To that bright sunny day,
When you had all your teeth and your gums?

Is your hairline receding?
Your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her,
And its prostate for him.

Does your back give you pain?
Do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Is your blood pressure up?
Good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?

All that oat bran and fruit,
Metamucil to boot.
Helps you run like
A well oiled machine.

If it's football or baseball,
He sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at
But forgets what it's for.

So your gallbladder's gone,
But your gout lingers on,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

When you're hungry, he's not,
When you're cold, he is hot,
Then you start that old thermostat war.

When you turn out the light,
He goes left and you go right,
Then you get his great symphonic snore.

He was once so romantic,
So witty and smart;
How did he turn out to be such
A cranky old fart?

So don't take any bets,
It's as good as it gets,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building.

Monday, August 17, 2009

48 things about me...

I read this on Tatersmama's take on things ... enjoyed her unique answers and much rather add my own 2 cents doing something like this, than clean the house or iron or cook ... so here she goes ...

1. What time did you get up this morning? Around 7:00

2. How do you like your steak? Medium .. just medium, cooked but not burnt.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Either Gran Torino or maybe Australia (can't remember, I rent so many)

4. What is your favorite tv show? favorite game show "Jeopardy" (all though it makes me feel stupid!) favorite 'series' would be "NCIS" and "Grey's Anatomy" ... talk/news/political ... hands down "Glen Beck" ... Yes, I'm one of 'those' people!!!

5. If you could live anywhere, where would it be? If I was alone (widowed) in the Katy, Texas area, I suppose, closer to my daughter and family ... but I'm very happy where I am and with whom ... the grass is NOT always greener.

6. What did you have for breakfast? 7 and 10 grain Oatmeal

7. What is your favorite food? It's hard to beat a juicy grilled hamburger ... with cheese, of course. Bread is my all time favorite "if you only had one food on a desert island' thing ... unfortunately, chocolate is right up there next to bread.

8. What foods do you dislike? I don't care for fish .. love shrimp, will eat salmon and scallops but really don't care for any other. Oh, I do NOT like liver or beets, too !

9. Favorite place to eat? we love a little Thai restaurant off the Square ... but I could go to Chuy's (Tex-Mex) and Chola's (Indian) anytime

10. Favorite dressing? Ranch (Fat-Free) ha, I AM always dieting ... also like Fat Free Half & Half in my coffee (that's like an oxymoron, isn't it?)

11. What kind of vehicle do you drive? 3 yr. old Mercedes sedan

12. What are your favorite clothes? Capri jeans and a t-shirt

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? I want to return to Italy, tour southern region this time.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Honestly depends on my mood, but most times 1/2 full.

15. Where would you want to retire? I'm there ... retired in the heart of the hill country in Texas for 9 years.

16. Favorite time of day? Evening ... after dinner and the kitchen cleaned up ...

17. Where were you born? Coffeyville, Kansas

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Baseball !!

19. Who do you think will not tag you back? Don't know

20. Person you expect to tag you back first? daughter, Bz maybe ... maybe not, she's very busy and tired.

21. Who are you most curious about their responses back to this? Every one of you!

22. Bird watcher? Yes, Cardinals and Doves right out our kitchen windows and hummers on the deck

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? NIGHT .... Definitely

24. Do you have any pets? None for several years ... :<(

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? I'm going to be a grandma again (in January) ... going to visit family on the west coast in August.

26. What did you want to be when you were little? a nurse ... and a momma (was blessed to be both!)

27. What is your best childhood memory? Spending summers with my dad and step-mom in beautiful Oregon!!

28. Are you a cat or dog person? DOG ... any shape, breed, size ... love DOGS

29. Are you married? Yes .. celebrating 44th anniversary on the 6th of August

30. Do you always wear your seat belt? YES ... always!!

31. Have you been in a car accident? Yes ... one minor as a passenger

32. Any pet peeves? Tons ... just a few; drivers on cellphones, incessant dogs barking (actually that would be rude dog owners) people who crowd you when you are checking out at the cashiers. I've been known to ask them if THEY would like to pay for my groceries. People talking in movies ...

33. Favorite pizza toppings? Canadian bacon with extra cheese.

34. Favorite flower? yellow roses, purple irises, bluebonnets

35. Favorite ice cream? Bluebell's Cookie Dough or Butter Pecan

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? What-a-burger

37. How many times did you fail your driver's license test? Never

38. From whom did you get your last email? daughter, Bz.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Oh my, I honestly could not enjoy 'maxing out' any credit card, contrary to what 'some' may think.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately? posted a 'cute' satire on my blog ... then removed it promptly before offending anyone!

41. Like your job? I absolutely loved being a Hospice nurse, but I've been retired for years now ... LOVE retirement ... don't know how we ever had time to work!!!

42. Do you like broccoli? Yes.

43. What was your favorite vacation? a month long trip to Italy, Scotland, Ireland, England and France.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? The Duck

45. What are you listening to right now? the ceiling fan and a neighbors dog BARKING!!!

46. What is your favorite color? Light 'Moss' Green

47. How many tattoos do you have? None

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz? All my many devoted followers ... ha ! All three of them ... I would love for anyone to join in !!!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Hear ye, hear ye ... I am HUMAN ... uh, Humane


I have graciously been awarded the HUMANE award by Ms. Bz over at The Mosquitoes Buzz ... she was passing the honor on from Libby at Neas Nuttiness. I am a 'novice' with this little ole thang called Bloggin.' I had to ask Bz just what the Humane Award represented ... she gave me the following explanation:
“The Humane Award is in order to honor certain bloggers that I feel are kindhearted individuals. They regularly take part in my blog and always leave the sweetest comments. If it wasn’t for them, my site would just be an ordinary blog. Their blogs are also amazing and are tastefully done on a daily basis. I thank them and look forward to our growing friendships through the blog world.”
Bz and I seem to be in the same 'boat' (perhaps with different oars) she's not a novice, but, like me, doesn't blog on a daily basis. Nor do I have many 'followers' ... but I do have some of the nicest people in 'blog world' that visit my site from time to time. Oh, and Bz is my 'baby' daughter ... but we are NOT talking nepotism here! ... even though she did recognize some of my multiple attributes ... but I digress (uh, we have that in common, as well!) Sooooo, without further ado ... Thank you so much, Bz ... I am sincerely honored ... and I love you!!! Mom








Monday, July 27, 2009

BEER CAN HOUSE in HOUSTON, TEXAS

Robynn over at Robynn's Ravings had a photo of a very 'weird' house (even for Robynn!) in Toronto on her blog last Friday. As always, I read, I laugh and I learn from her posts. She wondered what kind of people would design, build and/or live in such strange places. It was the title of the book, "Weird Homes" by Arthur Black that jogged a memory of a 'weird house' in Houston, Texas. The Duck and I lived in or around Houston from 1966 to 2000. I actually saw this house several times ... and I was cold, stone, sober each time!

Who says drinking and creativity don’t go together? If you drink a six-pack a day, you might just be on the verge of genius. That’s the way it happened for a man named John Milkovisch, who consumed an awful lot of beer—roughly 50,000 cans of the stuff. That’s a lot of aluminum to dispose of. But John, an innovator, thought: "Hey, I’ll just flatten those cans and side the house with them." He also tore up the lawn, covered it with all sorts of sparkly things, and made nifty wind chimes from streamers of pull-tabs. The Beer Can House is now administered by the Orange Show Center for Visionary Art. And what was this visionary’s favorite brew? “Whatever was on special.”


The home was becoming a nationally celebrated folk-art site when the Southern Pacific upholsterer died in 1988 at age 75. Since then, it has suffered years of decline. Perhaps even more weird than the actual house ... a $125,000 grant from the Houston Endowment to the Orange Show Center for Visionary Art will help restore the home.
















The house was open to the public in March of 2008 for the first time since its purchase from the Milkovisch family and a seven-year restoration project totaling $400,000.




Beauty? ... art? ... weird? ... in the eyes of the beholder, it seems ... or drinker.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Dogs Lessons for People







Love unconditionally.







Run and play daily.

Life is short, pet often.


Keep digging until you find what you want!















Avoid biting when a growl will do.

Accept all of life's treats with gratitude.


Be quick to forgive.


Sometimes it is best to just sit close and listen.

Always drink plenty of water.


Be loyal and faithful.



Never underestimate the value of a belly rub.

Enjoy the simply pleasures of a walk.

Follow your instincts.