Unconditional Love

A very dear friend read my blog about my grandmother and the 'clothesline' and commented about being me admonished by my cousin for causing the accident ... and the fact that I can still remember his stinging words after almost sixty years. It is amazing how one can hold on to 'hurts' or wrong doings for so long. When my friend remarked that my grandmother never scolded me for causing her so much pain, I replied "I guess that's unconditional love." My friend knows about events that happened in my upbringing ... that I am a 'bruised' soul (I do not care for the term 'damaged') My friend, also, knows that this same grandmother was once heard talking over the telephone to one of her own friends. I heard my grandmother say very matter-of-fact "It's a shame Sandra is so homely and the boys (my two brothers) are so good-looking." Fifty-eight years ago, I did not know what the word 'homely' meant, so I did the only thing I knew to do ... I asked another resident in the same apartment building (a school teacher) what it meant. Miss Brown was busy with chores and quickly replied "oh, it means ugly, why?" When she looked up at her apartment door, I was not standing there. I had raced down the stairs and out into my grandmother's cluttered, dusty, garage ... and cried until there were no more tears.

I never told my grandmother what I heard when I was only five years old. When my grandmother died at the age of ninety-one , I finally told my mother of the incident and how long I had been holding on to it. My mother was quick to say "I'm sure she never meant you were ugly, it's just that the boys had tons of curly hair and long eye lashes, but you didn't have much hair until you were almost three." My mother, also, reminded me that my grandmother was blind, so how could she see me to think I was homely? I let the discussion end there, but I held on to the fact that if Grandmother was blind and couldn't see me, then someone told her I was 'homely.' Today, I know that I'm not homely or ugly, but I still hear my grandmother's words.

As I said my friend knows me ... my history ... yet I was surprised when she pointed out that it is not surprising considering all the things that happened, both in my life and my grandmother's, that I would feel it was my grandmother who gave me unconditional love. After all these years, the memories of all the 'bad stuff,' the destructive behavior, the excesses ... my holding onto the hurt and pain, has hurt only me. I have chosen to let go of those thoughts and memories. I know there was unconditional given to me. I know that I have given unconditional love as well.