I wrote the following post twelve days ago ... I'm now three weeks post-op my shoulder surgery. I got two comments on my last post that touched my heart. Tatersmama's take on things and my sweet The Mosquitoes Buzz both helped me to understand that 'this bloggin' thang' doesn't need to "forced" ... it isn't to entertain others ... it's for ME! It's an opportunity to put my feelings (no matter how scary, silly, or absurd) into words. I've been living with a ghost for five years now ... the memories of my mother. I could write all the 'nasty' stuff that happened years ago, but why? It does not change things ... what does change is how I choose to live with those memories. Being 'out of commission' with this surgery and being so dependent on The Duck for even the smallest thing has allowed me to 'wallow' in some "big time self-pity". Soooo ... today things are better, nope, things are GREAT ... and I feel that way not because of some little pill ... this is from my heart, TM, and thank you! I have so many blessings. My family, especially The Duck ... my special relationship with my daughter ... my grandchildren! ... my friends, both here and in Blogville. So read the following drivel if you want ... but know this life is far too short to spend too much time on the 'pity potty.'
I've written this post several times ... in my mind. Tomorrow will be ten days since my latest surgery ... total repair of my rotator cuff with torn bicep repair of left shoulder. This is my fifth surgery in a little over two years. Several months ago a friend joked that I must be "addicted to surgery" when I told her that I was taking cortisone injections to hopes of avoiding surgery on my left shoulder. I am almost helpless ... I cannot put on my clothes without help, I cannot dry myself after showering, I cannot reach the dishes on the second shelf ... I fear taking the strong drugs prescribed for the deep bone pain more than I fear the actual pain. My mother (with whom I shared so many 'faults' and/or likenesses) battled addictions and mental illness all her life ... I look into a mirror and see her sad face looking back at me. I AM stronger than she was, I AM more aware of my 'frailties', I have stronger SUPPORT and LOVE given to me ... and yet when I'm alone, when I'm hurting, when I'm so weary, I see her face and I wonder if I will ever be free of all the self loathing and self doubt.
I usually make jokes when writing, I attempt to turn an ordinary happening into a clever, comic skit. Not tonight ... I must sleep with my arm in a sling/brace ... for six weeks. I normally sleep on my left side, I try sleeping on my right side, but the three shoulder surgeries on that side make it difficult ... and my left arm needs to be supported or else it feels like it's being pulled out of the socket. That leaves sleeping on my back (I had a lumbar fusion surgery 8 months ago) It's difficult to sleep on my back because my left shoulder again feels likes it's being pulled. IT IS DIFFICULT TO SLEEP ... ah, sooooo take a little yellow tablet, let it help you sleep .... NO, I abused that little pill thirty years ago ... I'll tough it out. I'm off the 'strong stuff' for pain ... the doctor says "wow, you're ahead of the curve" I don't feel ahead of anything ... I'm hurting, I can't sleep,
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
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1 comment:
That's the way to do it, girl! Sometimes just getting it off our chests and "out there" can do us a world of good. This is YOU, and it's about YOU, so don't let anyone tell you that you need to keep it light, or that your're not entertaining enough. I look at it like we're 2 old friends sitting down over a cuppa, and we have the chance - the blessing, if you will - of letting it all hang out. Sometimes it's sweet and sometimes it's ugly, but at the end of the day what it really was was"honest." And that counts for more than a few laughs. I'll keep praying that the pain lessens for you and that you get some decent sleep...'cause that's what friends do. ;) xoxoxo
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